I'm creating an essay to compare or contrast my life in the real world with my life in an imagined "perfect world." I have wrote an introductory paragraph but my teacher said it is not a good introductory paragraph because it explains too much repetitively so I just need help badly.
(This is my introductory paragraph) and my Thesis statement is underlined intro:

The real world is unpredictable while the "perfect world" is everything a person could dream of. Everyone wants to be able to live an ideal life. A life without feeling pain or having to worry about living as a slave in a world that is ought to be independent. Everyone has their own utopia, their own "perfect world." An imaginary world that they can escape the reality to when they are stressed or ignore the disturbances of their peace. Even though technology is rapidly progressing in the real world; the "perfect world" has the most updated advanced technology anyone could imagine. While both the "real life" and "ideal life" are the true value of life given to the people; the ideal world transports the human mind to a world with no judgement and an advanced world of technology.