Course: Business Writing

Message for Analysis: Creating a Businesslike Tone

Guidelines: Read the following email draft and then (1) analyze the strengths and weaknesses of each sentence and (2) revise the document so that it follows this chapter's guidelines. T e message was written by the marketing manager of an online retailer of baby-related products in the hope of becoming a retail outlet for Inglesina strollers and high chairs. As a manufacturer of stylish, top-quality products, Inglesina (based in Italy) is extremely selective about the retail outlets through which it allows its products to be sold.

Key points to consider:

• Rewrite the email so it is an effective message
• Include a meaningful subject line
• AVOID plagiarism at all costs due to the huge penalty
• Consider these points when re -writing the email (VERY IMPORTANT) :
• Practical information when you write an email
• Facts and evidence
• Clear expectations (what expectations audience should have about this email)
• Be concise and to the point but do not leave out any relative information)
• Explain benefits to your audience
• Powerful usage of words in you email (but it should make sense)
• Avoid cliché's
• Apply 'you'' attitude instead of "we"
• Focus on positive aspect instead of negative
• AVOID bias language
• Word count 200-250 words, around 2-3 paragraphs
• Use 12-point font, double spacing, 1" margins
• It's a business writing course so please keep this in mind

Rewrite this email:

Our e-tailing site, www.bestbabygear.com, specializes in only the very best products for parents of newborns, infants, and toddlers. We constantly scour the world looking for products that are good enough and well-built enough and classy enough-good enough, that is, to take their place alongside the hundreds of other carefully selected products that adorn the pages of our award-winning website, www.bestbabygear .com. We aim for the fences every time we select a product to join this portfolio; we don't want to waste our time with onesey-twosey products that might sell a half dozen units per annum-no, we want every product to be a top-drawer success, selling at least one hundred units per specific model per year in order to justify our expense and hassle factor in adding it to the above-mentioned portfolio. After careful consideration, we thusly concluded that your Inglesina lines meet our needs and would therefore like to add it.